I am very much alive and I did take a lot of time to rethink all my problems. On Friday night, I fell into a melancholy trance because of my perfectionist personality taking a toll on my psyche. If there is something I wanted to come out spotlessly, but comes out like garbage in my eyes, I will shut down and beat myself up about it for a day or two. My Cammy White costume is a perfect example. Everyone (from what I read and heard) really liked how my costume looked and kept informing me it was perfect, which I can somewhat agree. The real issue was my body. I was bloated the majority of the time and I was pissed off because of the timing. In addition, the issue with the bands of my gauntlets coming off was pissing me off. That's when the perfectionist side of me kicked in and kept telling me, 'You're making Cammy White look horrible. Either go back to the hotel or stay here.' Michi and my darling paramour kept telling me to stop beating myself up and just ignore what my perfectionist side has to say. Therefore, I did and failed. I did try my best to find something that will convince the other side of me about doing a good job; minus the fact I was bloated and the lack of the bands in some of the pictures.
I am human after all and I do have some flaws. In addition, I am not saying that I'm the very essence of perfection. If you knew me, I would say, "Life would be too bland and tiresome if everything was perfect. I prefer being odd and unusual, which shows a lot in my style, my attitude and the way I do my costumes." I wasn't born with a silver or golden spoon in my mouth, but I was treated like a princess. In fact, I was a beauty pageant child. If toddlers and tiaras was on during my childhood, I would most likely be on that series considering I was a child model as well. I was raised in three different households but that didn't interrupt my childhood. I have two older stepbrothers, a half-sister (from my mom's marriage) a two half-sisters and a brother (from my dad's marriage). Therefore, I'm an only child in reality.
My parents never married each other but married others, which I always thought my stepfather was my real father. For a long period of my life, I thought I was Mexican and Cuban American but I later found out, I really wasn't. In fact, I'm a mix of Russian, Yugoslavian, German, African American, British, French, Cuban and Spaniard. My Hispanic side really doesn't show now but when I was younger, you were able to tell right away that I had some Latin flare, just in my attitude and the way I use to dress. During that time, I was super thin up until I entered high school. That's when things went downhill for me. Peer pressure, bullying (within my household), and stress entered the picture. I was 110 pounds when I entered high school and I left high school and Florida at 230 pounds, when I was 17 years old. I lost all the weight due to depression and tricking my mind into eating less since my grandmother got a gastric bypass because she was battling a weight problem of her own. The moment I lost all the weight and maintained it off, my perfectionist side was born.
At first, it was unnoticeable but when I got into costuming, it kicked up. I can control it but there are times (much like Friday) were I can't. I know why this side of me came out. You know that lingering feeling that you're not good enough in your family's eyes and you will spend most of your energy, trying to find ways to make them proud of you. Yeah, that's what was coursing through my mind. It took a while for me to realize, I have to be proud of myself, in order for other to be proud of me and if not, it doesn't matter what they think. Not everyone has agreed with what I'm doing and they've tried to find ways to change my outlook on life. However, they always fail at doing so. It's also because my own mother was a considered a black sheep because of her life choices and I've been avoiding having my life turning out like hers, which I have successfully avoided. If I were to type out everything about my life with my mother, it would probably take a while considering there's many things I don't have straight stories for about her since her story is mystery to me. However, in the future, I will tell the story of my interaction with her when time permits me to do so. In the meantime, I just wanted to give you a small run down of what happened to me and why vanished for a few days. However, now it turned into a complete intro into my personal life.